By Sherrie B. Miller
In Vayikra Chapter 25 verse 17, the Torah commands: “And you shall not hurt (the feelings of) one another and you shall fear Hashem, for I, Hashem, am thy Lord.”
Rav Hirsch explains that since the prohibition in an earlier verse (14) refers to hurting another financially, this verse cannot possibly mean the same. Therefore, Rav Hirsch concludes that it is an extension of the prohibition of hurting someone in business dealings, which includes the prohibition of hurting someone’s feelings either by words or by deeds. The latter affects body and soul while the former affects merely money. Money can be repaid, but the possible damage ensuing from the compromising of another individual’s self-esteem may be irreparable.
The dating period may be a lengthy period for some and for others may be brief. In either case, this phase in our lives can and must be positively utilized as an opportunity for self-growth and midot enhancement.
In the modern Orthodox world of dating, blind dates have become an accepted norm
whether it is through the Internet or through the inspiration of well-meaning friends.
The mindset in which we approach dating can be very telling of whom I am, rather
than whom the person is that I am going to meet. How do we treat others? Do we heed
the words of Hillel: “what is unpleasant to you, do not do to another?”
We can learn something new from everyone we meet. We can also learn something new
about ourselves! If we are willing to learn and practice new skills such as empathy,
patience, tolerance, humor, optimism and more, it will go a long way in preserving
the integrity of the person that I am dating while preparing us and laying the groundwork
for a viable and permanent marital relationship.
I’ve heard the following grievance from a number of singles. While they enjoyed the date and would like to meet again, they are told: “you are really a nice person but “not for me.” Saying to a person, that in an hour I can tell that you are not worth knowing any further, causes great pain. I know countless couples who were “convinced” to give it another chance, and “lived happily ever after.” First dates are artificial often accompanied by stress and difficulty trying to make conversation with a perfect stranger. Some people just need a bit of time to warm up!
To avoid generating hurt feelings:
Having this noble goal in mind, to develop heightened sensitivity to others’ feelings throughout the dating process, will most definitely increase and enhance one’s interpersonal and intrapersonal skills. The benefits of this investment will bring us that much closer to a most fulfilling and satisfying marriage.
Biography:
Sherrie B. Miller is a Jewish matchmaker on
SawYouAtSinai
and a dating coach in Jerusalem. She received her counseling degree from the Michlala
in Jerusalem and an M.A. in Jewish Education from Touro College. Sherrie is certified
by Midreshet Emunah and is accredited by the Rabbanut of Israel, to be a pre-marital
couple’s counselor and Kallah teacher.
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