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Please note: All questions asked will be published on the site with pseudonyms.

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Question:

Dear Karen and Raquel,

I have been on the site for about four months now, and have accepted almost everyone my matchmakers have sent to me. However, I have not had one single acceptance. I know I don’t look like Cameron Diaz, but I am pretty. Even when I didn’t have a photo for the first month, no one accepted me either. Can you help, please?

- Chana Rivka, New York

Answer:

Dear Chana Rivka,

We looked at your profile, and you’re right... you are pretty. However, it’s a little difficult to see what you look like, with your arms wrapped around your uncle Mort at your cousin’s bar mitzvah!

A word of advice: your photo is an extremely important thing you put in your profile. This is because internet dating sites are visual, and your first introduction to your possible bashert will be through your photo. After he has looked at your picture, and it has made a favorable impression, he will read your self description. First impressions are powerful and you want to make it a great one.

What does this all mean? Firstly, you need to look the best that you, Chana Rivka, can look (not all men want someone who looks like Cameron Diaz, anyway). How do you go about this? Go to a photographer and get some professional headshots taken. (Headshots are photos of you from the shoulders up.) The professional lighting photographers use makes a huge difference. Just compare professional photos with your passport photo! Don’t be deterred by the cost of professional photos; there are places that are quite affordable. You could also check your local newspaper for coupons. Get an assortment of headshots, including some black and white ones, as they tend to be very flattering. Your second photo could be a full body shot, and should not show you holding your sister-in-law’s newborn, which might be taken for your own. Avoid photos with friends so he doesn’t have to struggle to figure out that the one in the purple Purim hat isn’t you.

Next, we looked at what you wrote. It was nice, but didn’t really give the reader much of a sense of who you are. Show who you are by describing the things you like, and the values you hold to be important. For example, you could say, “I love the outdoors and always enjoy a walk on the beach with a friend”, or you could say, “Kiruv is very important to me and I envision a Shabbat table with many guests”. “I’m a little shy at first, but I warm up quickly”. You can also talk about one important event in your life that was illuminating, or an epiphany or even just funny. All of this gives your possible bashert some idea of what makes you, you.

When we looked at the section that describes what you are looking for in a match, it seemed a little vague. Be clear about the attributes you want, but be realistic and flexible. Say, “I am looking for someone who loves children and wants a large family” or “Since I am a professional, I would like to meet other professionals”. Age can be a sensitive issue, but it important to be both realistic and open-minded. For example, a man of 62 should not anticipate that women of childbearing age will accept his profile. Similarly, a woman of 42 should not limit her acceptable age range from 38 to 45. It probably won’t happen!

Finally, remember that your matchmaker is there to help you refine your profile. Don’t hesitate to call or email for some advice if you feel you need it.

Enjoy working on your profile! It does take time, but it will pay off in the end. Keep us posted!

- Karen and Raquel

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